not to us

How are you doing?  Things are moving along smoothly in these parts.  Ruby will begin her second week of preschool tomorrow, and she's just as excited as the first week.  :)

Mike's work trip to Ohio keeps getting pushed back little by little, and I, for one, am grateful.  :)  I like having my hubby home each evening.  I love him, and I love spending time with him.

Also, we signed up for a 30-day free trial of Netflix.  If it were still simply a rental DVD delivery service, then we wouldn't have been interested.  However, they offer online streaming, and, uh, well...the rest is history.  We started watching LOST, and we've watched sixteen episodes in the past six days.  We'll add another notch to our belt tonight, and, I've gotta say:

I really like watching this series after it has concluded.  During the overly-suspenseful parts (which would have turned me off of the series originally), I can just jump on the internet, head to Wikipedia and find out whether my favorite characters live through the scene or not.

As a side note, if I were a LOST character, I would totally be Hurley.  I'm not sure what they says about me, but it is what it is.  :)

Finally, I've been working with an organization called Global Media Outreach for about two months.  My first month was a training period, and I wanted to wait until I felt like I had adequate exposure to the organization before I told you all about it.  I plan to do a longer, more in-depth post about GMO later this week.  It's definitely something you should come back to read.  :)

I hope you all have a fantastic week!  What's been going on in your life?  Let me know how I can pray for you or what's been entertaining you lately or what you'd like to read about on the blog.  I love the interaction side of the blog, and I'd be thrilled if you all chime in!  :)

Today was a big day.  It was Ruby's first day of preschool.  I know we have anxious grandparents waiting for a report, so here it goes!  (The rest of you can feel free to skip this post.  It's just full of a proud momma's ramblings!)

Our preparation started last night.  I laid out Ruby's outfit, packed up her school supplies, and made her lunch.  I was hoping that her snazzy lunch duds would encourage her to eat:

I packed several of her favorite things (a Lunchable, Gogurt, water/juice) plus a couple of surprises (Phineas and Ferb fruit snacks, carrots in a princess snack cup.)

Then, I wrote her a little note.

Once everything was packed up, I felt emotionally ready for this really big step.  :)

When it was time for bed, I set my alarm.  I found out that my phone has a program where you can set your alarm to keep ringing until you've solved several math problems.  (Example:  80-42+5=?)  Once you've solved the problems, you can tell your phone to snooze or dismiss.  Obviously, once you've solved the math problems, you're wide awake.

It's genius!

When it was time to get Ruby up, I said a little prayer that she'd wake in a good mood.  As she brushed her hair away from her eyes, she said (in the cutest sleepy voice), "School, here I come!"

Seriously, those were the first words out of her mouth this morning.  That's how this kid does life.  All-or-Nothing.  Full Throttle.  Passion for Everything.  Somedays, I'm afraid it's going to kill me.  But moments like this?  I love them.  It reminds me that this is the best way to live.  :)

Ruby got dressed and gathered up her backpack and lunch box.  It was seriously the cutest thing I've ever seen:

We decided to take Ruby out for a special breakfast before school.  When I was a little girl, I loved it when Dad was on school duty.  Every once in a while, he would take Kyle and I through the Hardee's drive-thru.  I would get little mini cinnamon bun thingys and hashbrowns.  It was one of the few ways my dad spoiled us when we were little.  Spoiling was usually Mom's job.  :)

Once we got to school, Ruby walked us back to her classroom.  She is in the Lamb classroom this year, and she loved showing Daddy how to get to her class.  (i.e.  "Not yet.  Almost there.  Noooot yeeeet.  Getting closer!  We're here!!")

Ruby hung her backpack on it's hook and put her lunch box on the counter.  Within moments, she was settled in and shooing us out the door.  Can you guess what drew her attention so completely?

Yep, books.  Once she saw the basket of books, it was, "Hello School!  Goodbye, Mom and Dad!"

We left her at school and headed off to our first morning as a mommy and daddy of an official preschooler.

The fourth member of our family was a little less sure about all of this.  Burke was hesitant to leave Ruby's room, and he whined a bit when I told him we were leaving sister.  He was pretty subdued the whole morning, but I'm guessing he'll get used to this new-found sole attention.  (And, unless I'm crazy, I don't think it will take him too long...)

Burke and I spent the morning playing cars and *trying* to read a couple of books.  Then, I cleaned out the front closet, hung the curtains, and painted a wall decoration to match the new curtains.  

I think we'll both adjust to this new lifestyle *just* fine.  ;)

When we picked Ruby up from school, she was not happy to see us.  She wanted to stay and take a rest with the other kids.  When I was finally able to lure her out to the door, Miss Anderson gave Ruby a sticker for being a good girl in class today.  When we got home, I cleaned out Roo's lunch box and found that she ate all of her food except a couple of her carrots.  Yippee!!

All in all, I would say that her first day of school was a TOTAL success!  Here's what Ruby has to say about it all:

(This video was taken immediately after I picked Ruby up from school.)

(This video was taken once we got home.  This way, I could interview her without Burke screaming in the background.)  :)

So, our little girl is officially a preschooler.  She seems thrilled, and we're pretty happy, too!

Remember awhile ago when I said that, if I couldn't control my tongue, I'd place a piece of duct tape over my mouth?

Well, there was one major thing holding me back:  We were near the point in our foster care process where we'd be doing a home study.  I was certain that the caseworker would not be impressed if she showed up and I was wearing duct tape.  ("If that's how she disciplines herself, just exactly how will she discipline foster children?" I'm sure she'd wonder.)

That consideration is off the table:  We are not currently pursuing a foster care license.

Do I sound like I can't make up my mind about my life?  Well, I sound that way, because it's the truth.  There are only a few things I know for sure right now:

1. We have no church home.  (Which basically means I have absolutely no support structure in my life right now.)

2. Ruby is in a phase that is darn near ready to kill me.  (Nonna even started to get firm this weekend...that's how bad it is.)

3. The first two points have put me in a precarious emotional state.

4. This emotional state is non-compatible with providing love and support to emotionally compromised children.  Period.

5. I'm starting to question whether this emotional state is even compatible with providing love and support to my own biological children.

I'm not sure if every mom of a *very* strong-willed three year old goes through this phase or not.  What I do know is that things around this home have got to change.

And it starts with me.  I'm hurting emotionally.  Badly.  Unfortunately, that hurt is raw and it puts me on edge.  Whenever I get frustrated (with anyone), I'm not using a very kind voice.  I can't imagine what my face looks like.  I'm sure it's not pretty or gentle or edifying.

And, sadly, I'm seeing it manifest in Ruby.  A quick rush to anger, hurtful words, a sharp tongue, a *very* quick wit...  It's ugly.  UGLY UGLY.

I'm not sure how much of it is purely personality and how much of it is learned.  I am certain, though, that a portion of it is learned.

As such, I'm determined to get this under control.  With a ton of prayer and meditation on Scripture, I am determined to start to surrender this issue in my own life.  For my daughter's sake, I am going to take drastic measures.  When we are at home, I will be wearing a piece of tape over my mouth.  I will have to make a conscious effort to speak.  My prayer is that the extra moment it takes to remove the tape will help me weigh my words and give me a moment to pray (and therefore think) before I speak.  

I'm not sure how this will affect the blog.  I'm not generally rash on here.  Since it takes some time to simply type out the post, I usually have to time to reflect on what I'm saying and make sure that I really need/want to say it.

Anyway, I would appreciate your prayers.  Right now, I honestly feel like the world's worst mom.  I also don't have any marketable skills with which to enter the workforce...which means my children are stuck with me the VAST majority of their waking hours.

This is why I'm being so drastic.  My children deserve a kinder, more patient, more thoughtful mother.  My husband deserves a kinder, more patient, more thoughtful wife.  And, seriously, this is what it's going to take.

How despicable is that?  Never have the words,"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me", felt more accurate.

I'm clinging to these verses for hope in this situation:

"Therefore, [Lindsay], as you have always obeyed - not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence - continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."

Philippians 2:12-13

"[You] can do all things through Him who strengthens [you]."

Philippians 4:13

"Therefore, if [you are] in Christ, [you are] a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

Finding victory in this situation will come through no effort of my own.  I simply trust and believe that God can mold me further into the image of Jesus Christ for His glory.

If I could do this on my own, it would already be done.  I've been trying to fix myself since I was a little girl and my mom said, "It's not what you're saying, Lindsay.  It's how you're saying it."

Now, I'm a grown woman, and the other night she said, "You need to be careful with what you say.  You're being judgmental."

Well, I do not desire to be judgmental.  I do not desire to be hurtful.  I do not desire to be anything other than someone who hears and knows the will of God, who obeys and does the will of God, and who speaks and teaches the will of God.

So it's time for me to be very quiet and do a lot of listening.  It's time for a vow of {near} silence.  (Anyone with toddlers knows that it's impossible to be completely silent.)

If I want to set the world on fire for God, it's not going to happen until I surrender everything I have (including my compulsion to speak) for God's sake.

So here it goes...

We went out to dinner tonight.  Before going to the restaurant, we needed to pick up Nonna from work.

Poppa, Ruby, Burke, and I loaded into the van.  

As a note: I still get a little nervous driving with my dad in the car.  He's a little...  Hmm...  Shall we say, picky?  Yes, he's a little picky when it comes to driving.  I still panic a little bit when I get ready to turn onto a new road.  Are you supposed to break before the turn? During the turn?  Not at all?  I don't know.  And on the highway...  Goodness, gracious!  Do not slow down. DO. NOT. SLOW. DOWN.  Use the left lane to pass a car and then get your butt back over into the right lane.  And don't hold the steering wheel in a death grip, okay?  You really only need two fingers to steer anyway...

Anyway, for the most part, I don't get too nervous driving by myself.  But when my dad is in the car, I get a little antsy.  (I know.  It's ridiculous.)

So, we're driving to get Mom from work, and we come up on a stoplight.  Then!  It turns yellow.  I'm going too fast to stop, but too slow to get through.  Grr...  So I choose to hit the brakes and stop.

Obviously, I brake hard.  The van jerks.

And from the back seat, we hear Burke say, "Whoa!"  In his tiny little adorable cutest-boy-in-the-world voice, he judges my driving abilities.  Dad and I giggle.  Whew!  Crisis averted.

Not two miles further into our trip, I go too fast over a pair of railroad tracks.  The swagger wagon's not exactly equipped for off-roading, so we bump up and down a little bit.

And from the back seat, we hear Ruby say, "That's why we need to wear seatbelts!"  Again, Dad and I laugh.  By this point, it's a small miracle that I'm still driving.  (I'm really not even joking.)

We get to the hospital, and we have to wait a few minutes for Mom to come down.  But that's a good thing!  It gives me a few minutes to calm down and prepare for the journey to the restaurant.

We made it without further incident, but I didn't drive the rest of the night.  :)

At the ripe ages of 3 and almost-2, I've already got a critical pair of backseat drivers.  I'm a lucky, lucky Momma.  Snort.

How about you?  Do you like to drive, or do you happily relinquish the responsibility whenever you're given the opportunity?