Apparently, Autumn is not acting of her own will.  My mother has scared her into keeping me on my back.  LOL!  I knew it.  I just knew it.  Apparently, moms not only have eyes in the back of their head, but they have little moles and minions floating around, ready to do their bidding!!  Ack!

Anyway, I thought it was funny.  I had started to write out my thank-yous, and I realized that my handwriting was absolutely atrocious.  It's really hard to write, when you're laying flat.  So, after the first ten, I decided to sit up.  I got away with it for a little while, because Autumn was in Ruby's room with Ruby.  Unfortunately, Ruby blew my cover.  She came out into the living room to dance, and Autumn followed.  (BUSTED!)  Autumn looked at me, and I knew I should lay down.  So I hurried up and finished a couple of thank-yous, and I laid down.

As soon as I was back on my back, she said, "Whew!  At Arni's on Sunday, your mom said, "Lindsay keeps sitting up!"  Now, everytime I see you sitting up, your mom is in my head saying, "Make her lay down!""

LOL!  Poor Autumn...

I promise I'm laying down now, Mom.  I've only been up for about a total of an hour so far today.  I'll be good.  I promise.  (Snicker, snicker...) 

Good Morning!

I have a very specific goal today:  I will write and address handwritten thank-yous for each of you who have helped us.  :)  I know, I know.  It's five weeks past the beginning of bedrest, and I'm just getting to the thank-yous?  Emily Post would be disheartened, if not panicked.  However, I can't really explain it all.  The thing that makes me more emotional than any other aspect of this situation is how amazing you have all been to us.  So, I've avoided the thank-yous for a multitude of reasons:

1. They were in a drawer downstairs. (If I forget to get them in the morning, I'm stuck without them for the day,)

2. When I start to think about how much you all mean to me, I get super sentimental and emotional.  Then I spend the rest of the day weeping over the silliest things (like the commercial with the daddy who is practicing cheer moves with his daughter!).

3. I feel like a small card with a few words of gratitude is a grossly under-representative token of our thanks.  For now, however, it will have to do.

(By the way, that cookbook I want to put together?  It's never gonna happen if I don't get a recipe!!)  Hint, hint.  Wink, wink.  Oh, and Christy, when I was growing up, we called that dish Goulash, and it was my favorite.  I have been looking for a recipe since I got married, but I could never find one I liked.  Your dish was exactly what I remember as Goulash!  Exactly!  If it's not a family secret, would you mind sharing the recipe?  :)

So, anyway, I'll probably be away from the computer most of today, because I've got a ton of thank-yous to write.  

Oh, and about the drill sargent?  Her name is Autumn.  LOL!  She's here to watch Ruby today.  She has been here for one hour, and she has already admonished me for sitting up instead of laying down.  (It has been a growing temptation that I have not been resisting very well...)  Really, though, I'm just kidding.  Autumn is really truly amazing (with Ruby and me!)  I just thought I'd give her a hard time, since she regularly stalks this blog.  :)

Have a great day, everyone!! 

We are back with an appointment update!  Things are looking good.  My fluid is holding steady at 14-15 cm.  it's getting harder to measure with the office ultrasound, because he's getting so big!!  Yay!  Grow, baby, grow!  He was awfully darn cute in there.  One minute, he'd be cuddled up with his legs bent underneath him.  The next minute, he'd stretch them all the way out...long and skinny.  We could see his little kneecaps, and he showed us his hands several times.  Five long fingers on each hand.  His heartrate continues to be high, comsistently debunking the "Fast Heartrate = Girl" myth.  :)

Anyway, we had a pleasant visit with Dr. Harrison.  I just love her.  I remarked that the ultrasound machine looked like Wall-E, and she said, "Oh!  Have you seen the movie?"  I looked at her with a perplexed face and said, "Have I been in any theaters for the past five weeks?"  She started laughing and said, "That was a stupid question, huh?"  :)  We both laughed, and I apologized for my smart alleck answer.  She just laughed.

I hope you have all been having a great day, and I hope it continues!  Keep the prayers coming for Burke.  I found out that we actually won't get the steroid shots until around 26 weeks, instead of 24 weeks.  So let's pray for that, okay?  Pray that the next three weeks and some odd days go quickly, quickly, quickly!  Also, pray that my emotions and stress stay in a positive range.  My blood pressure was higher than normal today, and that's very odd for me.  It was still well within the normal and healthy range, just a little high for me.  I might have just been anxious about this appointment.  I was expecting a decrease.

So, anyway...that's the update!  We love you all!  Until next time... 

Some of you like my random posts, right? Well, get a load of this one: :)

Toaster Strudels or Pop-Tarts

I HATE Toaster Strudels. No, I LOVE Toaster Strudels. No, I HATE Toaster... Ugh... And, Pop Tarts? I HATE Pop-Tarts. No, I LOVE Pop-Tarts. No... Grr...

Ugh...Here's the truth: I don't love or hate these mass-produced breakfast pastries. I actually much prefer other types of breakfast food. However, these little things are quick and easy and, most importantly, SWEET. :) So, they often make up our breakfast array. They are convenient. But I have a love/hate relationship wtih them. Why?

Because what's better than a perfectly toasted Toaster Strudel? But what's worse than a piping hot on the outside and frozen solid on the inside Toaster Strudel? And what's better than a perfectly iced and heated Pop-Tart? But what's worse than a burnt around the edges or less-than-sufficiently iced Pop-Tart? (Seriously, I get really agitated when I open that foil wrapper and see half of the pop-tart starkly naked. If they would have actual women do the icing, that wouldn't happen. Stupid machines...)

It doesn't seem like I can get a perfectly toasted TS or PT on a consistent basis, no matter what I do. Maybe one day I will stick a TS in the Toaster on Setting 3, and it will be perfect. However, the next day, Setting 3 burns the edges to black yucky grossness. It's the same with a Pop-Tart.

In the end, the Pop-Tart wins for me. I agree, it has a sufficiently lower quality of taste, but if I choose to skip the whole toasting process in general, the Pop-Tart is still completely edible (and satisfying)!

This morning, I thought I would treat myself to the last two Toaster Strudels, since I'm on my own this morning. I popped them into the toaster, and filled up my fluid repleneshing cup. Then, they popped up out of the toaster: lightly browned and hot enough to burn my fingertips when I pulled them out. I iced them up, brought them into my bedrest room, and took a bite. FROZEN FREAKING SOLID in the middle. ARGH!!!

That's it, I give up on Toaster Strudels, because now I am stuck in my stupid bed with no Toaster Strudel. And I can't get up and go get more, because today is a doctor's appointment day, so I have to reserve my upright time. And, seriously, if any of you show up on my doorstep with Toaster Strudels or any type of breakfast food, I will pummel you. I will get up off this bed and make you sorry for going out of your way for me. :) It's truly not a big deal. I have my water, which is most important, and I'm really not even hungry. I just wanted the sweetness. (I guess that's a good way to manage weight...try to eat all you food frozen. Blech!)

Okay, well, that was a novel, so I'm going to try to prioritize my other randomness. Here are the highlights:

Wow...so Cool

I have a beautiful friend, Kristy, who is a saint. You see, she teaches three year olds at a local preschool. If you don't think it takes a saint to do that, then you've obviously never taught a class of three year olds for more than a few hours at a time.

Do you know what Kristy is doing with her kids each day? She's telling them about Baby Burke and explaining that he needs God's help to grow healthy and strong. So, each day before lunch, her kids pray for Baby Burke (and their goldfishes). Yesterday, the kids made a gift for Burke.

I've gotten to a point where I'm not too emotional over things. I'm pretty even. I'm not crying for no good reason. But there are definitely certain things that get to me right now, and this gift was one of them. I couldn't stop those hot little tears from popping up in my eyes and running down my cheeks.

You see, there's a classroom of little three year olds praying for my little boy, and they wanted me to know that.

And not only that, but those little three year olds believe with all their heart that God is going to help Burke. So much so that they even have ideas of what Burke will be when he grows up:

You see, Jesus said that only those who were like children would enter heaven. (Matthew 18:2-4) He didn't mean we should start playing with legos or refusing to eat anything but chicken nuggets. He simply meant we had to have that kind of innocent, untainted, unwavering faith that God was all He said He was and that He was worthy of our belief.

I love these pieces of paper very much, and they will be staying with me for a very, very long time. Thank you, Kristy. :)

Fresh Flowers do a Body Good

In the past week, two friends have stopped by with very fresh (and simple!) flowers. I love it. I love having a little bit of the outside on the inside. I wasn't smart enough to get a picture of the daisies before the started to wilt, but I did get a picture of the (what look to be home-grown) roses. Pure beauty.

The County Fair

Mike and Ruby went to the fair on Sunday evening. We're lucky to live just a few blocks from the fairgrounds, so he and Ruby took a stroll. :) They went to support some of our friends from church.

Emily was partcipating in the fashion show, to display the outfit she made. It was really pretty (from what I can see in the pictures and the testimonies of those who actually saw it.) In fact, Mike and Sarah were quite confused as to why she didn't win. Emily is the beautiful girl on the left in the purple.

Our friend, Halley, shows goats and chickens. Mike and Ruby went to visit her goat (and lots of other animals.)

I hear that Ruby loved the animals from afar and would say "Goa! Goa! Goa!" or "Neigh! Neigh!" and point to the animals. However, the closer they got to the animals, she would start shaking her head and saying, "No! No! No!" :) I'll have to take a video of the way she says "No." It's really adorable. :)

Apparently, she warmed up at some point: (That's our pastor's wife, Lisa, in the background. She ALWAYS looks that pretty. Seriously. Even at the sweltering hot County Fair, she manages to look like she was born to be beautiful. I think it's the Texas in her...)

And lastly, a picture of my own little beauty. I apoligize in advance for how scraggly her hair is going to look for the next few months. I have decided to grow her bangs out, and she's not a fan of hair clips, so it should be interesting. :)

Okay, I will stop peltering you with randomness now. :) Enjoy your day!!

Oh, also, I can't get into my own site right now.  LOL!  I could have sworn I knew the username and password I told Mike, but apparently I was wrong.  :)  As soon as he tells me my username and password, I'll post the explanation for the design of Lindsay I AM.  :) 

Good Morning, everyone!

I hope you had a really good weekend. It was a nice weekend at our house, and we're started on a new phase of bedrest. Namely, several of our family members and friends are gearing up to start back to school. Many of the people who had been helping us with Ruby are a part of the education force. :) It was wonderfully helpful to begin bedrest at the start of summer, because each of them has been able to help out during their summer breaks.

Now, however, they're all getting in their final vacations, and they'll be going back to school soon. :( I am so grateful and thankful for their helps, and I'll honestly miss seeing them on such a regular basis.

A HUGE THANK-YOU to the following people:
Gigi
Annie
Aunt Kim
Autumn
Brittani

Your help has been great, and I am honestly thankful that you guys are working in the public schools of our communities. We need more caring, dedicated, grounded women like you teaching our children!!

Also, it's Monday, which means I should do an installment of "Bedrest Is". :) Have no fear, I won't be letting you down. However, it is a bit different this week. :)

Bedrest is...

* driving your husband insane with over 50 hours worth of "blog design."

* obsessing over little details that no one else will notice.

* dreaming of the future...whether that means getting up to get your own dinner or meeting the person who left you a really supportive comment.

* finally having the time to put some real effort and energy into a long-time dream.

* being nervous and scared to put that dream into action.

* and lastly (for this week),

Bedrest is launching a new blog that you can call "your own." :)

Mike helped me create a space of my own over at Lindsay I AM. (http://www.lindsayiam.com) It's not a lot to speak of at this time, but I'm hoping it will become a fun place soon. Maybe I'll see you over there!

Don't worry, I'm not going to stop blogging here. Not2Us is a space for our family. Anything that's happening in our life as a family will be documented here. This blog is meant to be a chronicle of sorts for our chidren. That will not stop. :)

Lindsay I AM is just a place for me to be me. I felt like I needed a place for all the "extras." The stuff that people might not be interested in. I don't want to make you wade through a bunch of "Lindsay" posts to get to the Burke updates and Ruby pictures. :) Therefore, Lindsay I AM will be a place for my random inserts.

Well, that's about it for this morning.

We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 1:15. Please be praying for a few specific things:

1. The amniotic fluid levels went down after I had the flu. I have also been having a slightly faster rate of leakage. Pray that God is miraculously repleneshing the amniotic fluid. Pray against another decrease.

2. Pray that Burke is growing and developing faster than the normal rate. We are getting really close to a point where he will have a small chance at life, if he's born early. Pray him to that point and beyond!

3. Pray for our emotions. We are into Week Five of this journey, and I have to disagree with whomever said the first weeks are the hardest. I find myself getting discouraged more easily nowadays. I can see a few signs of wear on Mike and Ruby, as well. This is very different for our family, and it takes a lot of sacrifice from all of us. Pray that God would give us the portion we need in each area of our lives. We are incredibly blessed, and I can't even believe we've made it this far. Pray that we would stay miraculously focused on the reason for these sacrifices. Burke will absolutely be worth a few months of discomfort. :) (And I've already got great bribery and ammunition to get him to wait until marriage for sex! If I have to go without out it for several months WHILE I'M MARRIED for his sake, then he can certainly wait until he's married for my sake.) :)

Have a wonderful day, ladies and gentlemen! We are blessed to know you!

Have you ever been taken aback by how small the world can be? With the evolution of technology, the "spaces" between us have really gotten smaller. Just this weekend, I was contacted by a member of my preganancy message board. She told me that we have a friend in common in real life. Actually, this person is her friend and my cousin. :)

Danele is the youngest daughter of my Uncle Dan who passed away in December. You all know how much he meant to me, and all I can say is that his children mean equally as much. I'm incredibly terrible about keeping in touch with them on a super regular basis, but I know that they are always here for me...they have been my entire life. :)

Anyway, Danele (my cousin) and S* (a member of the message board) go to church together. In fact, I get the feeling that they're not just members of the same church, but they seem to be pretty good friends. :) It was fun to see the connection.

And it got me thinking as I was trying to fall asleep last night...

Just how many churches are connected through Burke? I don't know the names of all the churches some of you attend, so forgive me if it just says, "So and So's church". :) So, here it goes:

Elston Family Church in Lafayette, Indiana
Evangelical Covenant Church in Lafayette, Indiana
Christ United Methodist Church in Lafayette, Indiana
Faith Baptist Church in Lafayette, Indiana
First Southern Baptist Church in Terre Haute, Indiana (website coming soon!!!)
Sunnyside Road Baptist Church in Indianapolis, Indiana
Beavercreek Baptist Church in Beavercreek, Ohio
High Desert Church in Victorville, California
LifeChurch.tv based in Edmond, OK with campuses all across the real world and the virtual world
Danele and S*'s Church
Daryl and Jenny's Church
Dave and Andee's Church

And I have heard from churches in the following states who are connected together through Burke:
Michigan
Florida
Pennsylvania
Texas
Illinois

I just thought it was really amazing to see how small the world is, and how God can connect us all for one purpose...like praying for the life of a little boy.

Let's not let it stop here, okay? I'm not sure what I mean by that, but let's stay connected. We are a family. There's no reason for us to be divided for any reason. We all believe in one God who sent His Son Jesus to save us. We are all living our lives to please Him. Surely things like worship style and communion shouldn't get in the way of that. :)

Thank you to everyone who is praying for us. We are already amazing the doctors of the Women's Clinic here in Lafayette. They all keep asking Dr. Harrison if I'm still pregnant. :) Because of your prayers, she gets to keep shocking them and saying, "Yep!" :)

If I didn't list your church or your state, would you please leave a comment or use the contact link at the top of the page to tell me where you are? I pray for all of you, and it helps me to be able to pray when I know who you are and where you are.

My prayer for today was just that God would do big things in these congregations. That they would have a surreal understanding of who He is and how far He reaches. I prayed that specific lives would be touched...that new believers and people who are seeking would be welcome...that old believers and those who might have lost their way would be reached again in a new way on a new level.

He is good, and His plans are good. :) My phase of self-pity is over, thanks in large part to your prayers. :) I'm sorry I let it get to me, and I hope I didn't bum you out. We've got a long road ahead, so I'm sure there will be more phases like that, but I promise to try to keep them few and far between. :) Love to you all!!

On a much-needed happier note, here are some recent pictures of the most precious little girl in our life!!

First, some very big news:
Miss Ruby's hair is long enough for *real* pigtails!!!  Isn't that so fun??
We learned this tidbit of information two weeks ago, when she was puking her guts up.
I wanted to get her hair out of her face and off her neck...and it worked!!!

I think we look pretty good for 3 AM and several rounds of puking...what do you think?

Ruby has been very interested in feet, shoes, and socks lately.  They are some of her favorite words.
So, the other night, she decided to try on Daddy's socks.  She thought it was hilarious!  :)

I just like this picture:

 These days, this is what a typical Saturday morning looks like in our living room:

And here are a few pictures of the bubble-blowing that has been happening
around the Goodwin household lately.  :)

I hope you all have a great Saturday!! :) 

I am having a very pity party-ish sort of weekend, so you'll have to deal.  I'm sorry.  I don't know if it's the one-month mark or the fact that I've now missed out on some very cool things that I had either been looking forward to or would have loved to take part in.

For one, I missed out on the Elston Carnival.  Instead, I got the lucky job of entering the data for everyone who attended.  (I actually only did about 30% of it.  Wonderful Mike did the rest, because I was in a decidedly foul and un-Christlike mood.  Therefore, I slept in while he finished up the data entry.)

For two, I have missed out on several trips to Tropicanoe Cove, including a trip that had some newbies in it that I would have loved.

For three, my husband got dressed up (and by dressed up, I mean a button-down shirt with jeans instead of a t-shirt) and looked very sexy last night.  Then, he went out to a movie with a bunch of our friends, most of whom I literally haven't even seen in a month.  I'm crying just writing this sentence, and I don't even have any desire to see the movie they saw.  In fact, I was very much not in favor of him seeing the movie.  Maybe that's part of my irritation.

For four, a bunch of our friends went canoe-ing yesterday.  I HATE canoe-ing, but I wish I had been canoeing yesterday.

For five, my daughter has been outside exactly four times in the past three days blowing bubbles in the sunshine, and I can't see it.  

And lastly, a road trip that was supposed to be the paramount highlight of my summer is happening next weekend, and I am flat-out PISSED that I don't get to go.  I mean, really, really, really upset.  I'm jealous and sad and angry that I don't get to go...because I really wanted to.

I swear that I don't begrudge any of my friends their good times.  I know the world has to go on without me, but it really sucks.  I mean it really, really, really sucks.  And, if I'm very lucky and blessed, I get three more months of it. 

and anyone else who feels like my faith and my strength in this situation are admirable, but unattainable. Please, please, please read this entry in it's entirety. Read it a dozen times if you need to. Know that every single word is true and real and just for you.

First things first, you can have this kind of faith and strength. But it doesn't come overnight. You know that saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle?" It's bull-crap. It's not true. In fact, the opposite is true. He's going to put things in your life that you can't handle all the time. Look at it this way:

Pretend that you went to kindergarten when you were five years old, and the teacher knew that you could only handle playing with toys. Trying to teach you numbers, letters, or colors would be pointless, because that would push you. That would challenge you. That would be more than you could handle. So you went all the way through kindergarten playing with toys. The next year, you went to first grade, and again, the teacher only helped you play with toys, because that's all you had ever done...that's all you could handle on your own. If she gave you numbers, letters, or colors, you would simply chew on the paper or stare blankly at the paper. You couldn't handle learning your letters, numbers, and colors on your own. So she didn't challenge you. She didn't give you more than you could handle. She just let you play with the dolls and the blocks and the trucks all day.

On and on it went until the day you were 18 and you graduated high school. Your parents said, "Alright, Dawn, you've been through public education. You know how to play with toys. Now it's time to move out into the real world and begin your own life."

Obviously, you would be completely and utterly unprepared for life. Even if you lived with your parents for the rest of your life...what kind of life would that be?

Instead, in school, your teachers CONSTANTLY challenged you. They constantly presented you with challenges and material that you couldn't handle on your own. Letters and numbers were completely overwhelming in kindergarten. Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication, and Division kept you at the dinner table, studying, when you were in elementary school. Balancing chemical equations caused you hours of frustration (and, if you were like me, even tears) in high school. And college...good gracious...the word, "FINALS", still makes my palms sweat the slightest bit.

But here's the secret: You never had to do it alone. You never had to do it with only the strength you possessed. Your teachers (if they were worth their weight in salt) were there to teach you, to help you, to share their knowledge and strength in the subject. And, one by one, you tackled each subject and got stronger in each area. No matter who you are or what level of education you have attained, I can say with confidence that you are farther down the road of knowledge than you were the day you started kindergarten. Why? Because you can read this blog entry. :)

It is the exact same way with God and faith. The Bible says that we all start out as babies in faith. Just like babies can only drink milk, we can only hand small things of faith. Now, this is interesting to me.

The first part of faith is believing in a god. Correct? So, that's the first step to being a baby in faith. Well, HELLO!! How in the world is that a small thing? It takes a TON of faith to believe in God. There are very intelligent people out there, people who are very STRONG in intellect, who don't even have enough faith to believe in a god. Quite frankly, if you have mastered that step, the step of believing in God, then it's only going to get more challenging from there on.

The best thing, though, is that we never, ever, ever, ever, EVER have to do it on our own. God has told us that He left a guiding force here on Earth, a force called the Holy Spirit. God is certainly seperated from us up in Heaven, but He has left a part of himself here for us to reach out to. Aside from that, God has millions of followers all over the world who are just waiting...just waiting...to step alongside you and walk the road with you. Everytime you fall down or find yourself struggling to have faith, one of us will be there to kneel down beside you and help you back up again.

Why? Because we have ALL been there. Every single one of us has been at a place where we did NOT have the strength to display the faith that was required of us. We know what it's like, and we can't wait to help you through it...because we know how good it is on the other side.

And that won't ever stop. The falling will never stop. We will constantly be faced with challenges that help us learn more about God and grow in our faith.

This journey of faith is not easy for me. It's simply that I've turned *away* from God enough times to know that it doesn't work. It always ends up really, really, really crappy. I would use the cuss word, but I know that would irritate my mother who reads this blog. :) But it's true: When I try to handle the challenges without leaning on God, things go BAD. They go really bad. I end up depressed, angry, bitter, sad, and simply without hope.

I've been there often enough that I don't wanna go back. I want to continue to lean on God. I want Him to help me through this.

There is a very simple prayer that I prayed Wednesday night, June 18, 2007 at 11:40 p.m. I had just been told (9 hours earlier) that my water had broken again, and I probably only had a 1 percent (if not less) chance that my baby would live long enough to come home with me. You have no idea what that did to me.

I truly can't express in words how badly I want this little boy. And to know that he's a boy. Oh how strongly I yearn for him to come home in my arms. Oh how terribly my heart aches to imagine living life without him.

Oh, how ANGRY it makes me that there's even a possibility that God would give me a child and then take him away. It wouldn't be the first time. I just don't understand it.

But I do KNOW this:

God has really good plans for me. I know it, because I've already seen it. I look at all of the hard things I've been through in my life, and I realize how much WORSE they could have been, if God hadn't been guiding me through it.

I'll be very, very, very honest with you. If God hadn't been at my side throughout my life, I probably would not be alive today. I have been in desperate, scary places where I didn't even think I wanted to live anymore, but God spared me. He put people (a person) in my life to show me how much He loved me. He whispered to me in the dark scary places, pushing me on, pushing me forward.

I don't wanna go back there again, so I prayed this prayer, almost word for word:

"God, if something bad happens, if you decide to take Burke away from me, I'm gonna be really really angry. It's going to hurt so bad that I don't know how I'm going to go on. I'm going to be really confused, and I'm going to want to run. That's what I always do when I'm hurt or angry or mad. I run. I run from You. I run from Mike. I run from friends. I close myself off. I won't receive hugs. I won't receive prayers. It's a defense mechanism. God, if you allow me to go through a hurt, I'm going to want to run away from You, and I'm probably going to try really hard. But here's my real desire God. Right now, while I'm not angry, and while I'm not hurt, I want you to know the truth that's not clouded by emotions: I love You. I trust You. I want You in my life. I want to live for You. So, if it happens, God, if you take Burke away from me...will you do me favor? Take those huge, strong, all-powerful arms, and wrap them around me. Just like a screaming little toddler throwing a tantrum...Grab me and hold me close to you. Fight with me. Fight for me. Hold me close, even as I scream and wriggle and cry and try to run. Just hold me. Hold me tight. I'm probably going to say mean things to you. I'm probably going to rebel and try to hurt you, but I know you can handle it. I know you can handle me. You created me. So I'm giving you permission, God. I'm giving you permission to hold me against my will at that point. Don't let me run away from you. Hold me until I have calmed down...until I am a whimpering, sobbing mess in your lap. And then love me. Remind me that You have good plans for me. That you are still there. You are still in control. Through it all, you will not let go. Oh no, you'll never let go. Through the calm and through the storm, you'll never let go of me. Amen."

You see, God has promised that He will not force us to be with Him. He's not interested in little robots. He's interested in people who will love Him, serve Him, and follow Him because they WANT to. Not because they HAVE to. So He has promised that He will never force us to come to Him.

However, He will do what we ask, if it's in His will, if it's something that pleases Him. And I believe that staying close to Him is something He wills for my life...something He wants from me. So, I have given him permission to go against my emotional will, if I try to run. Because that's all emotions. It's all anger and bitterness and hurt and sadness and confusion and ... it's not Truth. It's Emotion.

My Truth is that I want to live for God. I want to live for Christ. No matter what I go through, I want Him to be the biggest part of my life. So I give Him permission to hold me against my will, if that's what it comes to at some point. I give Him permission to pursue me with passion.

I have given Him permission to draw me close and keep me near. That doesn't take strength. That takes weakness. Realizing that I am far too weak to handle this on my own, and I need Him. I need Him. It's the only way I'll ever survive.

And you can do that, too. He loves you just as much as He loves me. He sent His Son for all of us. We just have to accept it. So see? I'm not different from you at all. I'm not more capable than you at all. I've just made a choice to admit that I'm really weak. I've made a choice to admit that I can't do it. So I'm going to let Him.

(((HUGS))) I promise. One day, I'm going to try to meet all of you who are e-mailing and commenting in person. I'm going to wrap my arms around you and squeeze until you can only barely breathe. I'm going to try to show you how much Christ loves you by showing you how much I love you.

Today, God, reach out to Dawn and anyone else who's feeling similar to her.  Reach out to anyone who doesn't think they have the strength or the faith to trust You.  Show them your glory.  Show them how good You are.  And open their hearts.  Motivate them to search for You, because You are worth finding.  Amen. 

Today, we are 22 weeks into the game!  Two weeks until the steroid shots, four weeks until viability, six weeks for the brain, eight weeks until the 30's...  Yahoo!!  Keep praying!  :)