I feel like I've neglected Ruby on the blog in the wake of the current situation...probably because I have.  Since this is supposed to be like her baby book of sorts, I figured she was due some air time.  :)  First, can I tell you how much I love her?  She's so cool.  :)

Just in the past ten days or so, she has added quite a bit to her repertoire of "talents."  :)  She has started using two-word phrases often.  Currently, one of her most frequent is "Up Please" (Uh pee).  She was asking this often to get up onto the bed with Mommy.  Now, however, she has a stool.  She climbs right up anytime she pleases.  It's nice, because she doesn't have to ask to have time with me.  She's also doing all sorts of silly things, including repeating just about anything we say.  (Recent funny instances have been "Miii!", after I yelled for Mike, and "Seshy" after I told her to say sexy.  LOL!)

She also loves to "play" the Wii.  She holds the wiimote and waves it at the screen.  She also often requests for Daddy to play.  She'll come into the living room, point at the Wii, and say "Weeeeeee!"

Aside from the cute things, she is also asserting her independence quite well.  We often get an attitude after telling Ruby, "No."  This can be anything from a pout to a tantrum.  And we sometimes hear, "No!", directed toward us.  :)  The most heart wrenching is when we ask for a kiss, and we get, "No!" in response.  :(

Speaking of kisses, when Ruby gives kisses, she GIVES KISSES.  She is not content to bless one person with a kiss.  She makes her way around the room, giving a kiss to everyone present.  It's fairly adorable.  If Mike and I are the only two people in the room, she often gives each of us five or six kisses, alternating in between each kiss.  It's quite endearing.  :)

Ruby is also QUITE the dancer.  She has an assortment of moves.  Sometimes she waves her hands in the air.  Sometimes she bounces up and down.  Sometimes she sways from side to side.  And when she's sitting with Mommy or sitting in her highchair, she loves to shimmy and shake.  We love her dancing.  We often turn on music *just* to see her dance.

Ruby is also very fond of books.  She has two sets of pint-sized board books (a Sesame Street set and a random set) that she really favors.  They are just her size, and she insists that we read them at least four dozen times per hour.  :) 

Overall, she is wonderful and fun, and we absolutely adore being her parents.  She makes us smile on an hourly basis, and we truly wouldn't trade her for anything in this world.

We love you, Ruby Elizabeth! 

Hey all!  Today is a good day.  I have officially made it longer after my water broke than I made it with Ruby!  :)  I delivered Ruby 12 days after my water broke.  Today is Day 13 after my water broke with this little one.  S/he is celebrating by having a grand ol' party today.  I can feel him/her moving and jumping all around.  I'm even suspicious that s/he has the hiccups.  Ruby had them a lot.  I don't have much else to say...  :)

Love you all!  Anyone who wants to visit is welcome...if you live by an Arni's you could bring me a Jr. with ranch.  LOL!  (I'm KIDDING by the way!  I put my addiction to Sweet Tea out there for the public to see, and I was drowning in Sweet Tea for the first two weeks.  You guys take me SERIOUSLY.)  :)  I seriously can't express how thankful I am for all of you.  I'll make it up to you one day, I promise.  You might have to keep being my friend for a long time, though, because I have a LOT to make up for!  :) 

I have to tell you all, it takes a special movie for me to watch it two times in a row in less than twelve hours. Very Special. I like this movie. :) I'm watching it again this morning.

If you've seen the movie, "Definitely, Maybe", then you are familiar with Maya Hayes, played by Abigail Breslin. I really think Maya could be a future Ruby. Her mannerisms and attitude and everything just really make me think of Ruby. I can't explain it, but I really see my little girl in this character. :) It makes me so excited to watch her grow up and develop more. :)

Last night, Mike and I talked about our children. All of them. We talked about how much we love them, even if we didn't realize how much we loved them at the beginning of their lives. We are so thankful for each of them and what they have taught us. We talked about the fact that it sucks to only be able to hold one of them at this time. Only be able to see one of them dance, "shake her bootie", say silly words, try to make us laugh, cuddle up with us... It makes us mourn what might have been and yearn for what may be.

Each day that passes with success brings us to a new level of love for this little one. Part of me wishes there was a button I could push to make me stop loving, stop wanting, stop wishing, stop hoping. I'm terrified of the disappointment and sadness that would come with the loss of this baby. I feel confident about right now. I feel confident about a year from now. But I feel terrified about the immediate moments surrounding the birth of this child.

I'm scared of my child dying. I'm scared of my child being born severely premature and needing copious amounts of medical intervention to sustain life. I'm scared of carrying my child to full-term and bringing him/her home healthy and then not being able to let go of him/her.

I have done a good job of "letting go" of Ruby at this stage. I have prayed about it, begged God to help me do it, and I really feel that He's been faithful to help me leave Ruby in His hands. My hope is that I can do that with this baby, as well. Not just now, during the hard times, but even in the good times.

I just wish I could magically fast forward the next few weeks, so I knew my future. For now, I'm going to try to do my best to live out the next few weeks with faith, grace, and passion. My prayer is that He spills out of my words and covers you with His love and comfort. Just as much as I love my children, He loves His Children more.

1 John 3:1 says, "What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it- We're called children of God! That's who we really are."

If we believe in God and his Son Jesus Christ, and if we live our lives trying to please Him more, then He calls us a child of His. Rest in that comfort, God loves you immensely. He loves you so much that He chose to sacrifice His Son for you. Even though I'm willing to let God take this child, I don't think I could choose to give him/her up willingly. I would have to love the person for whom I was sacrificing my baby a whole heck of a lot. A whole, whole lot. A really whole lot.

And God did that. He willingly gave up His Son for me. For you. For us.

Thank you, God. Thank you for enduring this sort of pain, so that I would have a chance to know You. Thank you.

You absolutely, definitely MUST see this movie.  No maybes about it.  Enjoy!  :)

Good Morning!  I'm still pregnant!  :)  In fact, the baby is moving all around.  Crazy baby...

I come to you this morning with a request, and it will probably sound odd, but just go with me, okay?  :)

I need to ask you all to stop saying anything like, "You're handling this so well."  I know that might sound weird, but it would really help me.  I struggle with being prideful.  Not really in the sense that I feel better than other people.  Even though I do struggle with arrogance at times, this is not one of those times.  However, I tend to feel very prideful in the sense that I can handle anything all by myself.   Or prideful in the sense that I'm responsible for whatever I'm doing/feeling.  Like, right now, it would be really easy for me to say, "Oh yes...I'm doing such a great job.  I'm just handing it all over to God and handling it so well."  Some of that is true...I really am handing it all to Him.

However, this peace that you see in me or read in my words, this joy, this hope, this assurance...

It has absolutely nothing to do with me.  I could not do anything to cultivate this feeling in myself.  It is all, 100%, purely God doing His work in me.  When I hear praise for me, Satan really gets in there and tries to convince me that I'm some super-Christian.  I'm not.  I'm really not.  Any of you could do exactly this.  I'm sure of it.  I know how much of this is purely God (i.e. ALL OF IT), and I know that He's willing to reveal Himself in anyone who makes himself or herself available. 

So, anyway, I just wanted to make sure that I attributed glory to the right person, and I wanted to ask you all to do the same.  God is being incredibly faithful to give me peace and assurance in this situation.  It's all Him, not me.  

In a couple of months, when you see me start to get prideful for having made it through this situation, you have full rights to direct me back to this post.  Okay?  :) 

On June 3rd, Mike and I wrote a post in honor of the six months since the birth of Lydia Grace.  You can find the post HERE.  All of those words I wrote in that post...they are still true.  God has brought me to a place now, where He isn't taking me back to that pit, that abyss.  I can speak and sing words like "It Is Well With My Soul" and "He gives the healing and grace our hearts always hungered for" in honesty and truth, not out of hope and faith.  I just wanted to write a quick post of praise and thanks that God has brought me far enough in the past six months that I am not left in a place where I feel hopeless and alone.  I'm just so thankful to have such peace at this time that I can only explain it as the work of God.

I thought that I would throw in a post to update everyone of my situation.  I have told Dr. Cooks that I am without a doubt going to stop with a Master's as soon as possible.  Although he is somewhat disappointed by the decision, he affirmed that he "understands" why I'm doing it.  With that being said, I am now looking for employment as a M.S. analytical chemist.  I would definitely like to stay in the Lafayette/Indianapolis area.  Thankfully there are several possibilities for me to pursue:

Griffin Analytical

Griffin Analytical was started by graduates of my current lab, and is based in the Purdue Research Park in West Lafayette.  So it would be a short drive ( :  Additionally, they do the exact kind of work that I love to do: building and testing mass spectrometers.  I'm a geek, I know.  They have several positions open, and I've heard promising things about my possibly working there as a scientist.  This would be a great job, and I think that I would really love it.

Indigo Biosystems

Indigo Biosystems is based in Carmel, IN and develops software for processing mass spectrometric data.  It was also started by a graduate of my lab.  Although the drive might be ~1 hr, I think that I would really enjoy working there.  There is a position open for a "software engineer".  If I take this position, I will have to learn some new programming languages, but that's something that I've wanted to do for awhile anyway.  This job would be an interesting mix of my likes for MS and programming.  I am admittedly not a formally educated and experienced programmer, but hopefully Indigo could look past that and I could learn quickly.  Plus, I would get to work with an old friend, Amy Tabert (who happens to read this blog regularly...Hi Amy).  Amy has forwarded my resume to the president of the company, and I look forward to hearing from them.

Prosolia

Prosolia is based in downtown Indianapolis, and was (surprise) started by people from my current lab.  They primarily sell DESI ion sources, but they are also considering commercializing a soft landing instrument (much like the one I have built here at Purdue).  I emailed a former lab member named Brian Laughlin about the possibility of working there.  He said that they may be interested in hiring me as well.  They apparently have a lot of work coming down the pike and need more people to handle it.  Although this job would not be as much strict instrument development, I think that I would still enjoy the work and the company.

So, I have a few options that I'm trying to work out right now.  I have not had any offers, but none of the doors have been shut yet.  Hopefully God will make the decision clear for me in the near future.

More Posts You'll Get.

In all honesty, though, I'm only posting to ask you to pray. I don't feel good this morning. I'm not cramping. I'm not running a fever. There is no sign of infection or impending delivery. I just don't feel good. It could be for a number of reasons:

1. I didn't get much sleep last night. That always makes me feel yucky.

2. It's cloudy and gray outside. Gross.

3. I'm still feeling nauseated. I think it might be time to take the anti-nausea medicine.

4. I only made it 12 days after my water broke with Ruby before I delivered her. Even that was considered really, really, really good, statistically. Thankfully, with her, we were already in a safe zone, as far as viability. I'm on Day 10 after my water breaking with this little one, and it's throwing me for a mental loop.

If you wouldn't mind praying that the switch flips, I wouldn't mind it. :) I like being in a happy silly mood, so being in a down ucky mood's not my thing. :) Thank you!

One more random thing:

I am always incredibly impressed with musicians who are actually talented.  With the amount of technology and mixing/producing materials that are available in today's music industry, you never know who the really truly talented ones are, unless you hear them live.

Coldplay was on The Today Show this morning.  What talent!  The musicians sounded exactly like the CD, and Chris Martin's voice is amazing.  He hit each of the notes almost perfectly in tune out in a HUGE open area while jumping around and climbing up on amps.

I was sufficiently impressed.  :) 

Good morning! 

I know this post is early, but it's not my fault.  Ruby decided to bless us with another wacky night.  I was sleeping terribly, Diana was sleeping badly, and Ruby just plain wasn't sleeping.  It must have been the air in our house.  Anyway, Ruby woke up at 3:30 a.m.  I mean, she really woke up.  Talking, laughing, playing, etc...  So, Mike and Diana let her play until 5:30, but by that point, I knew she had to be really tired, and she really needs sleep, so I made them put her back to bed.  (I don't mean I had to force them.  I don't think either one of them minded one single bit.)  :)  Anyway, she went to sleep after five minutes of blood-curdling screams, and she currently sleeping soundly.

Anyway, I just wanted to write a quick post to say, "Good morning!  I'm still pregnant!" and "I've made it to 19 Weeks!"  Keep those prayers coming!

This might be my only post today.  I feel like I'm being annoying, so I'm going to try not to post like a fool for the remainder of the pregnancy.  We'll see how successful I am...  :)

I put up the post about your favorites, because I thought I might get three or four replies.  I figured that would give me a good start on my new phase in life.  Unbeknownst to me, you guys rock even more than I previously thought!  Not only have you commented in hearty support, but I've gotten e-mails and phone calls on top of it all.

I just wanted to post to say, "I love you." and "Thank you."