not to us

The past couple of weeks, I have had what could only be described as persistent symptoms of pregnancy.  I've been pregnant enough times to know what it feels like.  By the fifth day in a row of nauseated mornings, random outbursts of tears, dizzy spells, and a sharp decrease in milk supply, I was legitimately worried that perhaps we hadn't gotten in for The Big V soon enough.

So I took a pregnancy test.  Thankfully it was negative.

Now, let me assure you that there is truly, honestly no way I should be pregnant.  I know you're probably all thinking, "That's what you've said the last two times."  But it's true.  Mike and I are careful and responsible with birth control.  However, as Dr. Harrison says, "When you test a method that is 99% effective at least one hundred times, chances are you're going to be in the 1% at least one of those times."  Let's just say that Mike and I are good at taking tests...  :)

So anyway...the fact that we've got my body protected like Fort Knox didn't give me any sense of security.  But at least for now, our efforts have been effective.  And after the slight scare, we're both seriously considering the only 100% effective option until something permanent is in place.

It's not that I wouldn't love to have another child biologically.  The truth is that I absolutely love pregnancy...you know, everything except the terror of believing that your child is going to die or the guilt that your body is at fault or the stress of being a complete burden on everyone who loves you or the sheer bastion that is bedrest.  I love everything except all of that.

I'll be totally honest:  my emotions are conflicted on the issue.  Emotionally, I would love, love, love to have another child.  I'm even crazy enough that I would love to have another child within 18 months of Burke.

However, I have always leaned more on the side of "responsible, careful, and pragmatic" when it comes to big life decisions.  And to me, it would be terribly irresponsible to get pregnant again.  My body obviously doesn't do pregnancy well.  I have experienced miscarriage, and both of my living children had complicated and early entries into this world.  Needless to say, I see a pattern.

I refuse to put a future child at risk, simply because my emotions want to experience another pregnancy.  Please don't try to tell me that I'm too young to make that kind of a decision or that I just need to get further away from the experience.  I don't want to be numb to the truth of what happened with Burke.  We should have lost him.  He should not be here.  We beat odds that very, very, very few people have ever beaten.  God has blessed us so much, and I truly feel that He has said, "It is finished."  The biological portion of our family, that is.

We would love for our family to continue to grow, but we know that my womb is not the only option for birthing children into this family.  I can't wait to see what God does in the future with us.  And for now, I'm just a little bit sad that my tummy is empty, but I'm mostly thankful beyond reason that my theorhetical baby isn't facing abnormal development or premature birth and that my friends and family don't have to worry about the stress of trying to get Mike and I through Round 3 of bedrest.

Thank you all so much for everything you did for us this year.  You will never understand what it meant and continues to mean to our family.  We love you all dearly!!