not to us

Dear Caleb,

I cannot wait to come hold you, sweet boy.  Yesterday, I cried and cried and cried as I drove further and further and further away from you.  I prayed so fervently for you to arrive before I had to leave, and I couldn't figure out why that wasn't in God's plan.  I just wanted to hold you and pray over you in your first hours of life.  I wanted to kiss your sweet cheeks and hold your precious body close to mine.  You have made me an aunt, and I'm overwhelmed with the love I feel for you.

And I think that's why God planned it this way.  If I had been given the chance to meet you right away, I never would have known exactly how desperately my heart desired to be with you and our family.  With each mile that stretched behind me, I became more aware of a love that was previously unknown to me.  In those moments, I wanted nothing other than to be celebrating your arrival with our family.  I wanted to be right there in the thick of it, watching your daddy's face as he announced, "It's a _____!"  I wanted to be right there in the middle of it, hugging your mommy's neck and saying, "Welcome to the club, Momma!"

Instead, I was alone, driving further down a highway that was leading me away from you.

At 4:47 p.m., my cell phone rang.  Uncle Mike said, "Ruby has something to tell you."  And I heard her say, "I have a baby boy."

My heart soared!!  I have felt, from the beginning, that you were a little boy.  I am so excited to watch you and Burke grow together, playing and laughing through holidays and family times.  I was so giddy that I wanted to pull the car over and dance like a maniac.

Then, Uncle Mike got on the phone and told me your name:

Caleb Michael Goodwin

Incredible.  You will never know how much it means to me that you share a name with your uncle.  He is an incredible man, just like your dad.  You have amazing role models, dear boy.

Uncle Mike told me that you were healthy, happy, and doing well.  He told me that your mommy and daddy were over the moon, and my heart just burst with thankfulness.

Tears ran down my cheeks continuously for three hours as I drove toward Lafayette saying, "Thank you, God.  Thank you for his health.  Thank you that he gets to stay with his mommy and daddy.  Thank you for taking care of him.  Thank you for everything you've done."  I just couldn't say it enough.

As I felt like my heart broke into pieces with each mile that came in between us, I prayed for you.  I prayed that you will be a little boy who loves to laugh and smile.  I prayed that you will be a little boy who knows he is loved by his family and by God.  I prayed that you will meet God at an early age and love him with all of your heart.  I prayed that God will guide you and teach you all of your days.  I prayed that I will be the kind of godly aunt that God intends for me to be.  I prayed that I will overcome my own insecurities and uncertainties and love you with abandon.  I prayed that, at every point in your life, you will know without a doubt that your Aunt Lindsay will be here for you.  Praying for you.  Supporting you.  Loving you.  Without Limit.

While I was alone, driving further and further away from you, I decided that it would be the last time I turned away from you.  For the rest of your life, no matter how many miles are between us, I love you.  I am right here for you, by your side, cheering you on!  I won't ever turn my back on you and drive away.  Do you understand?  God has chosen me to be your aunt, and I am committed to being the very best aunt I can be to you.

You are a miracle, Caleb.  A big, mighty, all-powerful God decided to create you: your body, your mind, your spirit, and your soul.  He knows every single hair on your head (and there are a bunch!)  He knows exactly the way your body is knit together.  He knows the plans he has for you, and they are good plans.  Plans that will not harm you.  Plans that will give you a hope and a future.  Even though He is powerful enough to have created the universe, He decided to take time and energy to uniquely create you...a tiny incredible baby with a huge incredible purpose.  He thinks you are perfect in every way.  He loves you, Caleb.

And I do, too.  More than you will ever understand.  Welcome to the world, little guy.  I am so glad you are finally here.

Love...always,
~Aunt Lindsay