Remember awhile ago when I said that, if I couldn't control my tongue, I'd place a piece of duct tape over my mouth?
Well, there was one major thing holding me back: We were near the point in our foster care process where we'd be doing a home study. I was certain that the caseworker would not be impressed if she showed up and I was wearing duct tape. ("If that's how she disciplines herself, just exactly how will she discipline foster children?" I'm sure she'd wonder.)
That consideration is off the table: We are not currently pursuing a foster care license.
Do I sound like I can't make up my mind about my life? Well, I sound that way, because it's the truth. There are only a few things I know for sure right now:
1. We have no church home. (Which basically means I have absolutely no support structure in my life right now.)
2. Ruby is in a phase that is darn near ready to kill me. (Nonna even started to get firm this weekend...that's how bad it is.)
3. The first two points have put me in a precarious emotional state.
4. This emotional state is non-compatible with providing love and support to emotionally compromised children. Period.
5. I'm starting to question whether this emotional state is even compatible with providing love and support to my own biological children.
I'm not sure if every mom of a *very* strong-willed three year old goes through this phase or not. What I do know is that things around this home have got to change.
And it starts with me. I'm hurting emotionally. Badly. Unfortunately, that hurt is raw and it puts me on edge. Whenever I get frustrated (with anyone), I'm not using a very kind voice. I can't imagine what my face looks like. I'm sure it's not pretty or gentle or edifying.
And, sadly, I'm seeing it manifest in Ruby. A quick rush to anger, hurtful words, a sharp tongue, a *very* quick wit... It's ugly. UGLY UGLY.
I'm not sure how much of it is purely personality and how much of it is learned. I am certain, though, that a portion of it is learned.
As such, I'm determined to get this under control. With a ton of prayer and meditation on Scripture, I am determined to start to surrender this issue in my own life. For my daughter's sake, I am going to take drastic measures. When we are at home, I will be wearing a piece of tape over my mouth. I will have to make a conscious effort to speak. My prayer is that the extra moment it takes to remove the tape will help me weigh my words and give me a moment to pray (and therefore think) before I speak.
I'm not sure how this will affect the blog. I'm not generally rash on here. Since it takes some time to simply type out the post, I usually have to time to reflect on what I'm saying and make sure that I really need/want to say it.
Anyway, I would appreciate your prayers. Right now, I honestly feel like the world's worst mom. I also don't have any marketable skills with which to enter the workforce...which means my children are stuck with me the VAST majority of their waking hours.
This is why I'm being so drastic. My children deserve a kinder, more patient, more thoughtful mother. My husband deserves a kinder, more patient, more thoughtful wife. And, seriously, this is what it's going to take.
How despicable is that? Never have the words,"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me", felt more accurate.
I'm clinging to these verses for hope in this situation:
"Therefore, [Lindsay], as you have always obeyed - not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence - continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."
"[You] can do all things through Him who strengthens [you]."
"Therefore, if [you are] in Christ, [you are] a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
Finding victory in this situation will come through no effort of my own. I simply trust and believe that God can mold me further into the image of Jesus Christ for His glory.
If I could do this on my own, it would already be done. I've been trying to fix myself since I was a little girl and my mom said, "It's not what you're saying, Lindsay. It's how you're saying it."
Now, I'm a grown woman, and the other night she said, "You need to be careful with what you say. You're being judgmental."
Well, I do not desire to be judgmental. I do not desire to be hurtful. I do not desire to be anything other than someone who hears and knows the will of God, who obeys and does the will of God, and who speaks and teaches the will of God.
So it's time for me to be very quiet and do a lot of listening. It's time for a vow of {near} silence. (Anyone with toddlers knows that it's impossible to be completely silent.)
If I want to set the world on fire for God, it's not going to happen until I surrender everything I have (including my compulsion to speak) for God's sake.
So here it goes...
Do you like us? Well? Do ya? Do ya?
Love Mercy
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