not to us

Have you ever been so disappointed or irritated in yourself that you just want to crawl into a hole?  Or how about someone else?  Have you ever been so disappointed or irritated at someone else that you wish *they* would crawl into a hole?

Well, today I'm really disappointed in myself.  I feel like I've backed out on a commitment.  I feel like I didn't hold up my end of a bargain.  I feel like I'm letting people down.  I know I'm not meeting expectations.  And I hate it...  Really, truly, it's the thing I despise the most: not meeting expectations.

I'm starting to learn that I hold myself (and the people around me) up to really high standards.  I'm hard on myself.  I haven't finished a single day, in a really long time, where I actually felt like the day was a complete success.  In fact, most days I feel like a failure in one way or another.

I'm also realizing that I assume God looks at me the same way I look at myself.  Amazingly, I forget that he's, you know, God.  I forget that his ways are (a lot) higher than my ways.  And, a lot of the time, I forget to ask him what *His* expectations are for my life.

Sometimes, I think I'm too hard on myself.  Other times, I think I'm not hard enough on myself.

All of the time, I don't think enough about what God is saying about myself.

Right now, I have a feeling that God's been disappointed for quite a while.  Not because I wasn't doing a good job with my responsibilities (even though I wasn't), but because I wasn't doing the responsibilities that he wanted me to do.

That?  Sucks.

It sucks bad enough to make me want to crawl into a hole and give up trying to live a life that pleases him.  Just honesty, people.  My heart's desire is truly to please him.  And when I know I haven't done that?  Ugh.  It just makes me wanna give up.  Quit.  Run away.

But that's the last thing he wants.  I think that giving up and quitting would make him even more frustrated than me trying to please him in the wrong way.  (Don't have a biblical basis for this...I just get the sense that God, at the very least, wants us to honestly try to please him...even if we make mistakes along the way.)

Above all, however, he just wants us to seek him.  Find out what he has to say about our lives (and how we're living them.)

And right now?  I feel like that's all I can do.  Seek him and ask him what he'd like me to be doing right now.

So that's my encouragement for today.  Whenever you feel like crawling into a hole or running away from it all.  Don't.

Instead, crawl into a corner with a prayer on your lips.  Crawl into a corner with obedience (and repentance, if needed) in your heart.  Crawl into a corner with the reminder that God loves you, wholly...mistakes and all.  And he wants the imperfect, infuriating, disappointing, irritating, thick-headed, outspoken, disobedient you more than anything in the world...especially more than having no relationship with you at all.

Today?  If you're feeling disappointed in yourself?  Don't run away.  Run to.