not to us

As moms, we often perform our jobs with little thanks and much criticism.  I don't know about you, but I often wish there was actually an Employee Handbook, complete with a job description.  I wish I had annual performance reviews with feedback on my strengths and weaknesses.  I wish there was some way to measure how well I'm performing my duties.

In all actuality, I don't really want that sort of keen observation on me.  However, I often (OFTEN) wonder how well I'm doing.  I look at my friends and acquaintances (even the moms at the park or mall), and I wonder, "Am I doing as well as they are?"  I look at my children and wonder, "Are they getting everything they need?"  I look at my husband and wonder, "Is he pleased with me?"  I pray and ask God, "Are you pleased with me?"

And, usually, after all my wondering and introspection, I'm left with a heavy weight on my shoulders.  I look at the mom who always has her hair done and make-up perfectly applied, and I think, "I wish I made the time to do that on a regular basis."  I look at the mom who does fun crafts with her kids, and I think, "Where does she come up with this stuff??"  I look at the mom whose house is always in order, and I think, "What secret has she figured out?"  I look at the mom who makes time for "school" each day, and I think, "Why can't I discipline myself to do that?"

I look all around me, and I make judgements on myself.  I don't cook often enough or well enough.  I don't keep up with the chores as well as I should.  I don't teach Ruby enough.  I don't do therapy with Burke enough.  I don't look good enough.  My house isn't clean enough.  And then I do my daily performance review, and it goes something like this:

"Well, Momma Lindsay.  You've worked hard today, but I'm just not satisfied with your performance.  I would have really liked to see you take the kids to the library as well as the park.  They got good physical exercise, but how did you stimulate their brains today?  I'm glad you got the living room and playroom picked up, and I see that you cleaned off the dining room table and did all the dishes.  But do you see the three loads of laundry in the laundry room?  I wish you would have fit those into your day, as well.  Your hair and make-up look alright today, but they would have looked even better if you had straightened it and applied the full spectrum of make-up, not just lip gloss and mascara.  And your clothes...well...  I'm incredibly disappointed that you've gained ten pounds.  Your jeans are much snugger than they should be.  And could you really only find a t-shirt today?  I'm sure Mike has got to get bored of the t-shirt and jeans get-up.  Speaking of the extra pounds, I can't believe you took the kids to McDonald's for lunch again today.  You should be saving more money and feeding them healthier food.  I don't care if you need the adult time with a friend.  Their health and you budget are much higher on the priority list.  You really lost points there today.  That's why, for today, I've decided not to give you any praise, much less a raise.  We'll see if you can do better tomorrow."

And tomorrow's review is bound to be the exact same way, just with some of the blanks switched around.  Perhaps I'll get the laundry caught up tomorrow, but the playroom will be a mess.  Or I might wear a nice outfit, but I'll have to go without make-up.

It's never-ending.  I am easily my worst critic.

How about you?  Do you do this?  Do you evaluate yourself as a mother/wife/father/husband/friend?  Do you compare yourself to others?  Worse, do you compare yourself to your Ideal Mom (Wife, Father, Husband, Friend)? 

If you were to give yourself a performance review right this instant, how would it go?  Would you be getting a raise, or would you be begging for your position?

(This is part one in a multi-part series.  Please don't feel the need to leave reassuring comments in the comment section.  :)  I promise I'm not begging for validation.  I'm just setting up the background for some things I've been learning.  However, I don't want to share the lessons I'm learning, if no one else needs them.)  :)